This season finale had it all!

Sex!

Drugs!

And romance!

The episode started with Jack discovered Brady discovering drugs in one of the campers in the most confusing drug-smuggling plot ever. Jack was this close to thinking Brady was bad, but then Brady got kidnapped!

Fortunately, Mike — who Jack has on speed dial for occasions such as this — is ready to respond immediately!

Unfortunately, in the race to the big drug bust, Mike forgot to put on his bulletproof vest for the raid and almost dies! (Is Mike good at his job? Remember how Calvin exploded right in front of him? Remember how Brady missed the drug raid? I’m not sure he is the super cop we’ve been lead to believe.)

This puts Shady Brady in a real bind because he needs someone to corroborate his story that he’s NOT a drug dealer.

The thing is, I don’t remember him actually being on the CI payroll, so the FBI might actually have a pretty solid case against this guy.

Anyway, unlike Brie, Mel decides to head to work today where the whole team welcomes her back with an unsettling employee-to-cupcake ratio.

Remember: Four people work here. Four.

It being Mel’s first day back at work, she decides to pitch the clinic — which again, employs four people (one of whom is going blind) — on a brand new venture.

Seems like a very weird day to bring this up because the town is kinda dealing with back-to-back crises. Like two days ago it was on fire and now they’ve just found out a drug lord (drug lady? What’s the correct term here?) was setting up right under their noses. You’d think they would be seriously panicked.

Nah — they are having a carnival!

So, everybody is actually having a pretty stellar day except for Jack, whose assets are being ceased.

Luckily, Brady is along for moral support. It’s nice that even though he is facing charges for smuggling drugs the FBI let him return to the literal scene of the crime to visit his girlfriend.

This makes total sense.

And then Nick pops by to check on his latest business venture.

Instead of being completely frazzled upon learning HIS SISTER is a criminal mastermind, he and Jack launch a plan to re-home the weed people. You know, Nick may not be mayor anymore, but he sure is thoughtful.

(PS: Are Nick’s assets not also being ceased? Doesn’t he get a ton of money from his sister?)

Eh… details.

Surprise — Mike pulls through after being shot in the chest and has some startling news!

Just to recap…

BRADY IS A HERO!

Weirdly, the one person not affected by any of this drug news is Preacher. He’s got plans today and they do not include moping around a hospital OR visiting a crime scene.

He is really, really sad about Kaia leaving. The sex was just so good, and he can’t imagine meeting someone who’s not entangled in a divorce AND working with (for?) her weird ex AND likes sandwiches. It’s like there are no single women in this town now that Muriel is boo’d up!

She and Cam finally have a green light from their daddy… er, I mean Doc, but it doesn’t come without some casual workplace sexism.

To be clear, he is NOT into this idea. Check the eye roll.

I really don’t get this. He thinks Cameron is a total cad, but he wants him to run his business???

Anyway, this is a real bummer, especially considering Muriel made play for Doc once upon a time. But she deserves to be a happy, so it’s worth the stern response from daddy.

Speaking of daddies…

It’s worth noting the word “think” here. These tests are generally very clear, but considering how hard it was for Lizzie to get birth control, I’m guessing it’s twice as hard to get her hands on a Clear Blue digital. Also, what kind of health insurance do we think Bert offers?

Maybe Charmaine can give her some advice since she’s been pregnant for the last four seasons.

Anyway, her re-appearance indictated the show was about to take a real turn, which — checks watch — happens 33 minutes into this episode. I definitely thought she was gonna go into labor at the carnival and give Mel and Kaia a chance to team up again!

But no, the carnival is just light-hearted fun!

And the best part is, they sprung for fireworks! (Which makes sense given they just survived a devastating fire; this is definitely safe.)

And really, who could resist coming out for this?

Even Calvin couldn’t stay away, enough though he, like Rose, faked his own death.

It’s nice that he’s showing up when it matters most.

Ooooh, Wes/Vince is also making an appearance tonight for the magic! (Odd that these firefighters have NEVER found a body before.)

As if the fireworks weren’t enough, the writers pack one final surprise into this season finale.

That’s right — scatting! They saved the best music caption for the very last. Also, they gave us a little something to look forward to next season.

Joey and Mel’s mom knew someone in Virgin River! Small world, especially since no one ever leaves this town unless it’s to join the military or testify in a trial.

Anyway, turns out Joey has been attending Preacher’s Masterclass on how to be detective because she’s got some big news.

BOOM!