I know what you’re thinking: “Why didn’t the writers give us a recap after such an explosive end to season four?” Well, because last season was so big, so unforgettable, so action-packed, that they knew we’d want to jump right in. And boy, do we! 

Jack and Mel are back together — whew! Just in time too, because they need to pick some baby names. 

Um… ex-squeeze me. What year is this? INDIANA?!

Okay, but we can’t dwell on these baby names because LOOK WHO’S BACK!

I’ve seen enough Lifetime Original Movies to know that THIS GUY is definitely the murderer. 

Oh wait, it’s just a bad dream. PSYCH! But a handy recap, right? Wait, no, it’s still not clear to you what this situation is. Let’s try one more time. 

This doctor is definitely thinking, “Yes, I know how pregnancy works…” 

What’s that now… [leans in closer]: Mel might not be able to have babies?! *Now* I know what’s at stake here. 

Also, let’s not forget how this all happened — Mel went to LA because her sister was getting divorced. We all remember this, right?

Ha… yeah, “kids” “live” “here.” This place definitely looks like it’s running rampant with children. How many babies did this skinny woman give birth to?

Anyway, Joey gave Mel some priceless, sisterly advice. 

And naturally, this being LA, Mel can schedule an appointment with her doctor for a quickie insemination before dashing back to Virgin River where she and Jack rekindle things. And now we’re here with Jack wondering what the co-pay is like on Mel’s insurance. 

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves because there are other health concerns in Virgin River! (Thank God this town has an entire team of medical professionals!)

Hope is back, though not the vibrant Hope I adored. This Hope has been slapped with a brain injury. Presumably, this is how the writers are punishing her for sitting out last season due to COVID. Another way they are punishing her…

No one wants to remind her that her best friend is dead. Personally, I find this to be completely devastating! Poor, Hope! Why are they doing this to her? Let her get back to running the town or whatever she does. 

Well, Vern doesn’t have time to talk about Hope’s dead bestie because it’s a big day at the clinic — a new doctor is coming! Something tells me sparks are gonna fly between Mel and the new guy!!!!

Ha! Scheduling software! This guy is a hoot! (He interviewed for this job, right? Doesn’t that seem like a question you’d ask in your interview?)

Seems like we are going to have more regulars this season — look who’s joining the reoccurring cast! This person!

(Don’t worry — you’ll probably only be in half the episodes.)

I’m sooooooo glad the writers were working overtime to remind us that this is Jack’s sister, not a romantic interest. Though, he does have an ex-wife… a plot point that also was dropped about half a season ago. Anyway…

Also back: Preacher. We were supposed to think he had been left for dead (?) at the end of last season after he got roofied, but nah, he’s in the kitchen making scrambled eggs! Not a scratch on him, either!

When I saw this, I about died. (Don’t worry, I survived and there will be zero mention of it.)

Let’s take this moment to revisit Preacher’s journey up to now: 

• Preacher was in love with Paige, but they never got together. Still, she trusted Preacher more than anyone in town because he was willing to pay her cash and not ask vital questions like, “How did you get this pie-making food truck without a bank account?”

• Preacher invited Paige to move in with him (not romantically, just to play house), but then her abusive ex showed up like, two seconds later! (Couldn’t she have called Preacher’s name? I don’t think he was even in the car before she saw Wes…)

• Paige accidentally murdered Wes less than 24 hours after she didn’t move in with Preacher. But naturally, she called him to help deal with the aftermath. 

• Preacher GOT RID OF THE BODY for Paige. Now, I’m not saying Wes deserved justice or anything, but it’s a little weird that except for that one ep where the police found a body in the woods, this corpse situation was dropped entirely.
• PS: remember how Connie helped Preacher cover the murder up??

• Preacher almost got out of VR with a job offer in the big city, but then this Paige thing pulled him right back in! 

So, now here he is, making eggs and NOT GOING TO THE POLICE, and asking vital questions like this:

Um… I am betting Christopher has a lot of questions. Like, Where’s my mommy? Where’s my daddy? Who’s this stranger who looks like my daddy but won’t let me go back to live with the man who I live with who is neither my daddy nor knows the location of my mommy? Do I still have to dye my hair blonde? And, is THIS what a slumber party is????

Jack is busy offering helpful suggestions like this:

As you do when the son of the woman you are madly in love with disappears after murdering her child’s abusive father, and then her husband’s TWIN BROTHER (this is not mentioned nearly enough) who is apparently a dirty cop tracks her down, even though she was using a fake name, tries to murder you via an accomplice, and then kidnaps the child with whom she entrusted you.

I bet News 9: Virgin River’s ONLY News Network is incredibly hard-hitting and would be ALL OVER this story.

News 9 would be all over this: Brady is in jail now! Along with Jimmy.  

The minute this rando walks up to Brady and offers this aside, you know he is going to the aforementioned psycho.  

But no one is thinking about Brady at this point. Jack has been busy shopping for baby Mack (Mark + Jack — see what I did there?). He bought Mel prenatal vitamins, books on high-risk pregnancies, and a fetal doppler. Does he know she’s a nurse? Also, she says, “I need maternity clothes and to talk to my sister” and instead of listening, he goes on a shopping spree at CVS.

Aren’t they trying to keep the pregnancy under wraps? Why does he have the BIGGEST pharmacy bag known to man?

Never mind… no one noticed Jack’s GIANT bag because all the ladies in town dashed over to the clinic since it’s not every day that an eligible man of a certain age turns up in Virgin River! And, as Jane Austen told us: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” The word “virgin” is literally in the name of the town… these poor women!

Let’s not ignore the fact that this man showed up in town LESS THAN A DAY AGO! How horny are these women???? (Also, do any of them have jobs? No, okay… asking for a friend.)

The doctor — who presumably WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL — cannot imagine why these women would be tripping over themselves to meet him.

Try again, doc.

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here? 

Wait, hotter… because at the end of the day this doctor very professionally tells his new professional colleague his favorite part of the day.

It’s like #metoo never even happened here!!!

Also, BTW… I don’t see it. But, he’s a runner, which means these two are obvs gonna run into each other sometime.

At least now that Cameron’s here Vern can have some time off to deal with what’s going on at home. Poor Hope finally learns Lilly died — I’m really grateful they didn’t drag this out for too long. Vernon recounts THE WHOLE STORY in case you weren’t paying attention last season.

But this left me with one burning question: Where can I get a card for Groundhog Day? Maybe at King’s Pharmacy, home of the world’s largest pharmacy bag!

Of course, as soon as Vernon comes clean about one secret, another one comes knocking on his door. 

He has a grandson he didn’t know about — SURPRISE!

Before we can even digest the news, we find out Brady’s not the one who tried to kill Jack; Vince is!

I have sooooooooooo many questions about this. Why does Vince look directly at the camera with a come-at-me stare? Why did Vince try to murder Jack? Why was Brady at the bar that night? Did Brady see Vince? Is Brady just Wes in disguise because they never did find Wes’s body?!!?!?!?!

Speaking of Brady… like every stay-at-home parent I know, this poor dude is just trying to get some peace and quiet when his new prison bestie interrupts him.

I genuinely felt bad for Brady at this moment.

For some reason, Brady, who is accused of ATTEMPTED MURDER, is at one of those prisons without any guards, so when the fight ensues, no one even bothers trying to break it up. In fact, no guards even turn up until the yard has been cleared and Brady is lying in a pool of his own blood after being stabbed by Psycho. I guess they were all on a break.

What a start to the season! I don’t know about you, but I am desperate to find out whether or not Brady’s gonna get to finish that book he was reading…